


The Love Life of Agent and Legolas (as told to Pepper Potts by love expert Tony Stark with interludes by a more then exasperated Bruce Banner aka Doctor Sexy)

by forthosebelow



Series: Love Lives and Chain Messages [1]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Emails, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-30
Updated: 2015-11-15
Packaged: 2018-03-04 07:27:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 1,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2988272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/forthosebelow/pseuds/forthosebelow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony Stark has a terrible habit of gossiping about his co-workers with his ex-girlfriend over emails.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> chapters will be terribly short because it is one email per chapter

To: Pepper_Potts@shield.gov  
From: i_am_ironman@shield.gov  
Subject: new romance

My Dearest Pepper,  
As I greet you romance is blooming in my very own tower. Beneath our very noses, Bruce and I are watching new love grow between Agent and Merida. They are of course blissfully unaware that the feeling they are having correspond with that magical little thing the rest of the world knows as love. For them it just means Legolas making Agent’s coffee and Phil ogling Clint’s ass as he walks away. What a time to be alive.  
Bruce tells me it is not appropriate to place condoms with arrow printed wrappers under Agent’s pillow. He says such lewd gifts are not considered proper house warming presents even though he loves the Dr. Sexy name tag I gave him to wear on his lab coat. I wonder when the last time he got laid even was. Phil not Bruce. Haven’t figured out yet if Big Green can do the whole sex thing. It defiantly not whatever made up girlfriend he had living in Portland of Agent’s. Who even lives in Portland? Certainly not cellists.   
Clint needs to stop pretending he’s in love with Natasha. She is way out of his league. Hell, she’s out of mine. Regardless of that, he’s gay. He probably figured that out a while ago but I wonder when he’ll take that stick out of his ass and realize all of us would still be okay with him if he came out. Maybe he’s just worried about Steve. Guy from the ‘40’s could be pretty standoffish about sins of the flesh, and laying with another man as Katniss so obviously want to do with Agent. Their eye fucking really needs to calm down.  
I haven’t blown anything up yet here. I have all my eyebrows. Dummy and Butterfingers are settling in nicely. Hope Malibu is still suiting you even though I miss you. And no Bruce did not just write that last part while I drank coffee. I don’t miss you. Not one little bit. Dr. Sexy needs to stop perpetuating that I do. I don’t.  
Love you Pep  
-Your robot loving ex-boyfriend/boss, Iron Man/Tony Stark


	2. Chapter 2

To: Pepper_Potts@shield.gov  
From: i_am_ironman@shield.gov  
Subject: hand holding  
I am writing this on my phone in the middle of Raiders of the Lost Arc. Agent and the Hawk are holding hands. Repeat, Agent and the Hawk are holding hands! I’m so excited! I don’t think they know anyone can see them. Gotta go, Bruce is poking me about the light from my phone.  
p.s. Steve has never seen Indiana Jones! It’s like he’s from the dark ages or something.


	3. Chapter 3

To: Pepper_Potts@shield.gov  
From: i_am_ironman@shield.gov  
Subject: prospective fuckbuddies

To the desk of Miss Potts,  
I write to you this correspondence with the hope that it finds you well and happy. Ok now that the niceness is out of the way: what the hell do you mean I can’t lock Clint in and Phil in a room together?! They would have food, water, lube, all the essentials and they would finally just fuck and get together. It’s a great plan! I have the room picked out and everything!  
Bruce is thinking of traveling again. I’m trying to think of a way to get him stay. He makes really good coffee. I need coffee. Preferably good coffee. So I need him to stay. Maybe if locked two people in a room together so they could fuck and the security tape playing in the lab…just an idea.  
Anyways, Dummy misses you. I still don’t. Of course. Who would miss you? Certainly not your ex-boyfriend who hasn’t gotten laid in like forever. I can’t tell if Butterfingers does. Good thing Jarvis is installed in your place in Malibu or else he would never shut up about missing you because we all know you’re his favorite. So I bid you a dui and sweet dreams because it’s like ten o’clock there. Don’t judge me for sending emails at three in the morning. Just don’t.  
-Tony “please let me let them fuck” Stark


	4. Chapter 4

To: Pepper_Potts@shield.gov  
From: i_am_ironman@shield.gov  
Subject: Tony’s health

Hello, sorry, I know you must be busy, and it’s weird that I’m sending this from Tony’s email but I forgot my password and I need some help. How do I make sure that Tony actually takes care of himself? He was two week old motor oil in his hair, hasn’t eaten anything in at least two days that I can tell, won’t drink anything besides liquor and coffee, and I don’t think he’s slept for a few days. I know this is not your responsibility but I don’t know what to do. He won’t listen me. When I suggest something he just turns up his screechy music. I also think he brainwashed Jarvis because he is refusing to help me. Sorry for bothering you. Have fun in DC this weekend.  
-Bruce  
P.S. Oh sorry, Tony finally said something that actually made sense and wasn’t just gibberish. He said to tell you that Clint and Phil are off on a mission for S.H.E.I.L.D. together and that he expects them to come home married. I am skeptical.


	5. Chapter 5

To: Pepper_Potts@shield.gov  
From: i_am_ironman@shield.gov Subject: Clint Barton's Ass

Holy shit Pepper! Clint's ass looks like it was sculpted by the gods. Do you remember that conversation we had about me and boys? Maybe all those hookups were not just because I was drunk because good lord his ass. Coulson is a very lucky man.  
I can see the headlines now "Playboy Tony Stark is Gay!" Even though I'm not gay, I'm bi. I think. Let's go with that. Please don't tell anyone Pep, I'm still trying to work all this out. But be prepared to once again save my reputation. Oh how I hate reinvention.  
Love you  
Tony


	6. Chapter 6

To: Pepper_Potts@shield.gov  
From: i_am_ironman@shield.gov  
Subject: success

Oh my god Pepper you are a genius! going on the Ellen show was the best idea you've ever had! It went so well and was so well excepted and apparently Captain America saying gay is okay is like if Jesus himself had come down. And how did you find a way to contact Thor? Was it his super smart but not as smart as you girlfriend? I bet it was.  
I get the feeling though that I'm not the only gay-ish Avenger. I mean I know Clint is like him and Phil like took a very long car ride in a shiny red convertable. I think they went parking. But I have my suspicions about Natasha. Very strong suspicions. I'm probably just going crazy.  
Bruce says hi.  
Love you you motherfucking genius.  
-your extremly thankful friend


	7. Chapter 7

To: Pepper_Potts@shield.gov  
From: i_am_ironman@shield.gov  
Subject: I fucked up... again

So Phil came by the tower again, like super chill, to pick up Clint and I was like wouldn't it be great if I followed them? Oh my god Pepsi, I tried to follow two super spies around on a date. And Bruce was like "hey let me come" right before I left and I was like "sure!" because Bruce is awesome. So there we are, trailing the two boys and they start making all these crazy turns, going into to random places, and that's when Bruce realizes we aren't just going on some leisurely stroll and he freaks out and tells me how wrong it is that we're spying on these two innocent people and how would I feel if I found out two people that I trusted were following us around on one of our dates? And I was like internally panicking because Bruce and I have never gone a date, does Bruce think about us going on dates, is this his weird way of asking me out? Then we realized we had no idea where we were and then we heard giggling and it was like goddamn it Barton. And then Agent pops out and is like "you two are fucking idiots go home". And we just do it because Phil is really fucking scary. I feel like a chastised child.   
But like Bruce.


End file.
